Idaho Wildlife Biologists Add ‘Californians’ to List of Invasive Species

“Similar to the Zebra mussel, Eurasian dove and Spotted Knapweed, Californians are a highly invasive species who can spread rapidly and destroy sensitive native habitats.” stated University of Idaho biologist Terrance Buhl. “Our laboratory has already identified a number of dangerous Californian variants including the San Clemente Nut Warbler, Newport Douche Skipper and Bay Area Tit Pecker.”

“Californians are easily identified by their unnaturally healthy skin, a snipped rear adipose fin and an absolutely staggering lack of self awareness.” Buhl warned, “Be advised: there are a number of Californians trying to blend in with their surroundings by wearing disguises of flat brimmed ‘Aloha’ trucker hats with glacier glasses and driving ridiculous conversion vans. If encountered, do not feed them, back away slowly and for Chrissakes do not do or say anything that ‘offends’ them. This triggers the most annoying defense mechanism in human history and they will cry and complain until they no longer feel that their safe space has been violated.”

Buhl concluded, “Hopefully the combination of a harsh winter and local ordinances banning green juice enemas will encourage them or they or whatever the fuck to return to their native environment.”